Upcoming Adoption Forum in NYC: The Impact of Chinese and other International Adoption Practices in relation to Birth Families, Abandonment and Searches

Upcoming Adoption Forum in NYC: The Impact of Chinese and other International Adoption Practices in relation to Birth Families, Abandonment and Searches


The Board of Directors of FCC of Greater NY and the Asian/Pacific/ American Institute at New York University are honored to present An Adoption Forum featuring David Smolin, Brian Stuy and Longlan Stuy who will speak about their work and experiences concerning
The Impact of Chinese and other International Adoption Practices in relation to
Birth Families, Abandonment and Searches
Saturday, October 20, 12PM-6PM
19 University Place, (near E 8th St.), NYU, NY

REGISTER online at www.fccny.org
$15 per person for FCCNY members, $20 for non-members
FREE students (16yrs+) and NYU student registration. Students should rsvp to Kathy at fccnybrooklyn@ aol.com

Brian H. Stuy is the owner and founder of Research-China. org, an organization that obtains information about a China adoptee's history and birthplace. He has visited and researched orphanages throughout China, seeking answers for adoptive parents about their children's beginnings. Brian has been actively involved in FCC -Utah for a number of years, including as president of the chapter. He has had numerous articles regarding adoption research appear in Adoption Today Magazine and various FCC publications.
Brian speaks about the adoption program in China and discusses various issues that confront adoptive parents when contemplating or performing a search, and how individual orphanage programs can impact the success of a search.

Longlan Stuy is Research-China. Org's in-country researcher and translator. She has worked with Brian since the inception of Research-China. She owned "Longlan's Place" on Shamian Island from 1996 until her marriage to Brian in 2004. She shares her vast knowledge and love of her home country with the adoptive community, and is passionate about assisting the children who remain in China's orphanages. Brian and Longlan have three daughters from China: Meikina from DianBai, Meigon from Guangzhou, and Meilan from Luoyang.
Longlan speaks about her first hand experiences with the different orphanages in China in relation to various patterns and issues, finding and talking with birth families, and how and why birth families in China have come to relinquish their children.

Professor David Smolin, Harwell G. Davis Professor of Constitutional Law and Director, Center for Biotechnology, Law, and Ethics, at Cumberland Law School, Samford University, is a noted scholar on the effect of population policies on international adoption and related issues. He has made presentations to the Hague Special Commission on the Practical Operation of the Hague Adoption Treaty, to the Central Authorities over Adoption of the Canadian government, at the Sao Paulo, Brazil, State Supreme Court, at the Korean Women's Development Institute and the Second International Symposium on Korean Adoption Studies in Seoul, S. Korea, to the Joint Council on International Children's Services annual symposium, and to many academic adoption conferences. David and his wife Desiree have 2 daughters who were adopted from India.
David provides some information for better understanding China's adoption practices in the context of the broader world of intercountry adoption and what has happened in adoptions from other nations. He will discuss the issue of the increasing significance of adult adoptee participation in intercountry adoption discourse and how that might impact the Chinese adoption community in the future. He will also be looking at the aftermath of abusive adoption practices and at some of the difficulties that arise, for families, with those practices, including issues relevant to special needs and older child adoption. He will also discuss competing narratives regarding intercountry adoption from China, and how such narratives can impact adoption triad members.

Questions? Contact Linda Mancini, linda.mancini@ hotmail.com
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Schedule
12:00pm - Arrival/Registration
12:15pm - Opening Remarks
12:30pm - Brian Stuy speaks about the adoption program in China and discusses various issues that confront adoptive parents when contemplating or performing a search, or when presenting a child's pre-adoption history, and how individual orphanage programs can impact our child's understanding of their origins, and the the success of a search.
1:30pm - Longlon Stuy speaks about her first hand experiences with the different orphanages in China in relation to different patterns and issues, finding and talking with birth families, and how and why birth families in China have come to relinquish their children.
2:00pm - Audience Questions/discussion with Brian, Longlan, Adoption Psychologist
2:45pm - Break
3:00pm - David Smolin provides some information for better understanding China's adoption practices in the context of the broader world of intercountry adoption and what has happened in adoptions from other nations. He will discuss the issue of the increasing significance of adult adoptee participation in intercountry adoption discourse and how that might impact the Chinese adoption community in the future. He will also be looking at the aftermath of abusive adoption practices and at some of the difficulties that arise, for families, with those practices, including issues relevant to special needs and older child adoption.
4:00pm - Audience Questions/discussion with David Smolin, Adoption Psych
4:30pm - Wrap-up,concluding remarks with David, Brian and Longlan
5:00pm - Wine & Cheese reception 

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Ethics, Transparency, Support
~ What All Adoptions Deserve.
http://www.pear-now.org/

Media: India - Mother fights to meet son 11 years after his kidnap

Mother fights to meet son 11 years after his kidnap

Nicola Smith and Bojan Pancevski

From The Sunday Times

June 6, 2010

AN INDIAN mother faces a heart-wrenching court battle in Holland to gain access to her 12-year-old son, whom she alleges was kidnapped as a baby then adopted by an unsuspecting Dutch couple.

Nagarani Kathirvel’s nightmare began in 1999 on a hot October night in the coastal city of Chennai, when she and her husband decided to sleep outside their slum hut with their three young children to keep cool.

She was awoken by an uneasy maternal instinct that something was wrong. There was no electricity and in the pitch black she could feel that her youngest child, 18-month-old Sateesh, had disappeared from the sleeping mat.

The family searched frantically for the baby, hoping he had simply crawled off. But Sateesh could not be found. For years Kathirvel kept her son’s name on the family ration card, believing that one day he would return.

Then in May 2005, there was a breakthrough: the local police busted a child-trafficking ring linked to an adoption agency, Malaysian Social Services, that had a licence to offer children for adoption abroad.

In the course of their investigation, the police discovered photographs of Chennai children who had been kidnapped. They contacted Kathirvel and she identified one as her son, allowing the authorities to trace him to the Netherlands.

India’s Central Bureau for Investigation took up the case, as did Against Child Trafficking (ACT), an organisation registered in Holland. It is feared there may be several similar stories, as Malaysian Social Services arranged more than 350 overseas adoptions.

Arun Dohle, a German working for ACT, broke the news to Sateesh’s adoptive Dutch parents that the child they thought they had adopted legally 11 years ago may have been stolen from his family.

“They were immediately receptive to the idea of contact with the biological parents and they were very upset with the adoption agency,” he said.

Sateesh is now called Rohit Shivam, and had been enjoying a happy childhood in the town of Almere, after being adopted by the Bissesar family, ethnic Hindus with roots in the former Dutch colony of Suriname. They paid £13,700 for the adoption.

At first, the Bissesars were co-operative and sent a picture of the boy to his biological parents. But after advice from a Dutch adoption expert they became fearful that the child could be taken away, and refused to take a DNA test.

Rohit, who speaks only Dutch, is also afraid of being forced to return. An initial court hearing earlier this year concluded that: “The child is at the moment not prepared to co-operate with DNA testing ... He fears that his biological parents can claim him back at a certain point.”

Last week Kathirvel said that she was fighting for a DNA test and to at least have visiting rights and contact with her son. “I don’t feel any anger towards the Dutch couple,” she said. “But I would like him to know both sets of parents, and I want to tell him that his biological parents did everything to find him.”

Kathirvel is due in court in the Dutch town of Zwolle-Lelystad on June 15, where her lawyer, Esther Schoneveld, will argue for yearly visits and regular updates on the child’s development. Schoneveld said a reunion at this stage was unlikely.

“This is a very sad story and there will be no winners, no matter what the court decides,” she said. “It is tragic for everyone involved.”

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/asia/article7144837.ece

Statement from Against Child Trafficking concerning this case:

ACT (Against Child Trafficking) is helping parents of missing children who have been adopted by foreigners without the parents consent, to go to court and defy the odds of this child trade. Criminal cases must be brought to justice. In the mean time, the parents must be enabled to show to their children that no matter what obstacles, they never gave up on them and want to reconnect.

In this particular case, ACT has been assisting these parents for five years, together with Sujato Mody of the Chennai based Malarchi Women’s Resource Centre. ACT/Malarchi found them lawyers in India and in the Netherlands and now face the challenge of bringing them to the Netherlands to appear in court. The parents will be accompanied by Sujata Mody on their travel.

The adoption industry is rich and powerful and their victims are not in the same position. Please consider helping to empower these parents and to show that indeed together we can make a difference.

Thank You!
Roelie Post
Arun Dohle
http://againstchildtrafficking.org/PAP.html


Ethics, Transparency, Support
~ What All Adoptions Deserve.
http://www.pear-now.org/

MEDIA: Romanian Adoptees Reunite with Firsta Families, Friends

This series was broadcast in Romania in the Fall of 2009 on Antena 1 TV and is now available on Youtube.

They are extremely powerful and touching videos.

Part 1:http://www.youtube.com/watch? v=yPOetgu-xfA

Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch? v=gEATguSprmY& feature=related

Part 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch? v=V5ZIwZfl44& feature=related

Part 4: http://www.youtube.com/watch? v=c6ZR-9Y2vd4& feature=related

Part 5: http://www.youtube.com/watch? v=ATKKPjVGijs& feature=related

Part 6: http://www.youtube.com/watch? v=1MYMvnS8dwY& feature=related










Ethics, Transparency, Support
~ What All Adoptions Deserve.
http://www.pear-now.org/

Video in Support of Adoptee Access

Adoptee access to records is only available in a few states. Please support transparency in adoption by supporting this project.



Amy Burt, an adoptee, will be making a video that features adoptive parents in support of adoptee access to their records. The video will not be state-specific. She is looking for 100 adoptive parents to participate. She will be creating a separate video that features birthparents supporting adoptee access to their records. The message on both videos will be the same.

She intends to get this out before Thanksgiving. She would like a picture of you as well to put on her video. All photos on the video will be marked confidential.

If you or anyone you know is interested, please contact Amy at amyburt40@yahoo.com. Please write in the title of your email : Adoptive Parent for adoptee access support or Birthparent for adoptee access support.









Ethics, Transparency, Support
~ What All Adoptions Deserve.
http://www.pear-now.org/

Pitting Poor Against Affluent Women in the Adoption Industry

The October/November issue of Conductive offers a follow-up article to the August series on International Adoption reform. The article, Reverse Robinhoodism: Pitting Poor Against Affluent Women in the Adoption Industry was written by Mirah Riben and Bernadette Wright, PhD. Is centered on the following quote:

“It is the poor states that produce the children and the rich that consume them. In this process, poor parents are left behind, serving only as the initial fabricators of other people’s children.” Debora L. Spar, Harvard School of Business (2006)

This article is a must-read for prospective and adoptive parents as it is we who must demand change before true reform and ethical practices will be accepted by the adoption industry. http://tinyurl.com/Reverse-Robinhoodism

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Ethics, Transparency, Support
~ What All Adoptions Deserve.
http://www.pear-now.org/

First Mother Letters

We were recently made aware of a project by one of our members at PEAR and we would like to share this idea with our friends:

First Mother Letters is a project of Weaving Families Adoption Ministry.

The First Mother Letter project as a way for adoptive parents, adoptees and first parents to share letters from the heart. Letters that for whatever reason are unable to be physically sent to the intended recipient.

PEAR encourages members of the triad to participate in this project. To do so, submit a letter or letters to be posted to letters@weavingfamilies.com You can submit letters either with your identifying information or anonymously. Please do keep in mind that your child’s history belongs to him or her and to protect the identity of your child’s birthparents if you do have identifying information.

For more information on this project and to view current submissions, please visit the website:
http://firstmotherletters.wordpress.com/about-the-project/

A Mother's Day Gift - Real Moms

I recently read this post on another adoption listserve and it touched my heart enough that I wanted to share it with our PEAR readers. So, with permission from the author, I give you all a Mother's Day gift, Gina Pollock, President, PEAR (please note, the author of this peice has chosen to remain anonymous to protect her privacy and the privacy of her children)

On an adoption-related list, someone posted that Mother's Day was for "real moms", i.e., not birthmoms. I would like to reply from the perspective of the many hats I wear: a birthmom, bio-mom, and adoptive mom.

I don't agree with limiting the title of "real mother" to adoptive moms. I truly wish that the phrase "real mother" be banished from the lexicon! I think about what that phrase means when one of my children, in momentary anger, say to me "You're not my real mom." It comes from wanting to hurt my feelings, and she knows it might get to me, even though she is just 7 years old. When we use the phrase ourselves, taking the title of "real mom", I believe that it is also meant to hurt the birthmother, even subliminally. Or it is meant to cope with our own feelings of fear or loss. But I don't believe that the term is ever useful or okay. Do we really need to say to our children that we are their "real" mom? Do we doubt for a minute our place in their emotional life? Choosing to celebrate birthmothers on a separate day, is, to me, like saying, "Oh, thanks so much for your sacrifice. Now go away and don't remind us that there is anyone else my child might have feelings for."

I am many kinds of mom, all of them "real." I have 4 children: a grown son, two grade-schoolers, and a toddler. All but one of my children have two real moms. My oldest son was born to me and was raised by his adoptive mom. I have another bio son that I am raising, and two girls who became my daughters through adoption. I try never to use the term real mom, other than to say that they have two real moms--the one who gave birth to them and the one who raises them. Each mom's meaning in their lives is different, and important, and how they feel about it will be different for each child.

As far as a "Birthmother's Day," the adoptive mom in me says it's a nice idea to honor her. The birthmom in me says it should not take the place of the other Mother's Day. Acknowledging a birthmother only on "Birthmother's Day" is, to me, just another way of saying you're not a "real" mom.

I knew I'd met the man I was going to marry when, the first Mother's Day after we met, he sent me a Mother's Day card with a personal thought written inside. My first child would have been about 20 by then. This was the first time anyone had acknowledged that I was a mother on Mother's Day. Sure, most regular Hallmark cards wouldn't make sense. But he found one that was simple enough, and it meant the world to me. I knew that a man that perceptive and sensitive was the guy for me.

I know that my oldest son doesn't think of me when he gets hurt, or when he remembers that special birthday party or Thanksgiving dinner. And that is how it should be. I love him enough to not be threatened by his secure love for his mom, but rather am happy for it. I’d like to think that she is not threatened by the love he has for me, because she shouldn't be. And I hope that my unique experience has taught me to let go and not be threatened by my girls' feelings for their own birthmothers. Not that I don't get a twinge here and there, that's for sure! But if I can't let my children express love for their birthmothers, as mothers, then to me it is like saying, in a way, that their birthmother doesn't love them like a mother. I can tell you that every day of my life, I think of my first child, and my love for him is no less intense than my love for the three children I am lucky enough to be parenting. I hope that is also the case for my girls' birthmothers.

I don't presume to speak for all birthmothers, and I don't expect everyone to agree with me, but I am glad to have this forum to express my take on things.

Happy Mother's Day to everyone!

The best interests of the child: Children stolen for adoption- Guatemala and beyond

In 2006, 4 Guatemalan girls were stolen from their mothers. One of those girls was identified just prior to adoption and returned to her mother Ana Escobar. The other 3 girls are believed to be adopted by US adoptive parents who, through no fault of their own, are now faced with difficult issues.

I cannot imagine the fear, anger, and grief that the Adoptive Parents of these girls might be feeling now. It is certainly not fair that they find themselves in this situation.

Adoptive parents who may find themselves in the situation of parenting a child who may have been stolen should know that they are not alone; there are others who have walked this path. Many of these parents have chosen to establish a relationship with the child's first family.

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You can read several cases of families who chose to open their adoption and establish relationships with their child's first families:

David and Desire Smolin
Julia and Barry Rollings
Mosley family

You can read stories of families who have not chosen to establish a relationship:

Wisconsin family
McKrola family
Borz family
In particular, here is a powerful video of Gustavo Tobar

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Children grow fast, the needs of the infant are different than the needs of the teen and young adult....today's decisions impact a whole life.

Identifying an adopted child as a stolen child, does not automatically lead to returning the child to the first family. That has virtually never happened to US adoptive parents of a stolen international child.

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For more than a year, the situations of three mothers of stolen children, Raquel, Olga, and Loyda, have been championed by Norma Cruz of the Survivors Foundation in Guatemala. Ms Cruz was one of 8 women worldwide who were recognized in March 2009, as Women of Courage by the US Secretary of State.

You can read about Raquel, Olga, and Loyda

For myself, the one thing that is very clear, is that the 3 mothers in Guatemala: Raquel, Olga, and Loyda, deserve to know where their child is currently living.

It is clear to me, that extensive DNA tests should be used to determine whether the children in question are the daughters stolen from Raquel, Olga,and Loyda. (Sadly, the original DNA tests performed in Guatemala were probably falsified.)

Disrupting the young girl's lives and abruptly returning them to their first mothers may not be in the girl's best interests.

But it is clear to me that it is in the best interest of the girls to be able to have a relationship with the mothers they were stolen from.

It is possible to do, and it is the right thing to do.

Mothers in Guatemala Demand Justice

Norma Cruz and members of The Survivor's Foundation (La Fundacion Sobrevivientes) are on the fourth day of strike in front of the Family Court Building in Guatemala City today. They are demanding justice be served for those responsible for the processing of four illegal adoptions.

In a shocking decision two weeks ago, attorneys and facilitators involved in the processing of the illegal adoption of Esther Sulamita, daughter of Ana Escobar, were found not guilty. The judge on the case stated not enough evidence despite the attorney's name and signature being on the falsified DNA test.

Ana's case was the first indisputable case of kidnapping where the child passed a DNA test for US immigration. Ms. Norma Cruz, Director of Sobrevivientes, is demanding justice be served and believes this is a case of impunity which often runs rampant in Guatemala.

Ms. Cruz demanded the return of three other stolen children believed to have been adopted and now living in the US. Daughters of Olga Lopez (known as "Cindy Garcia"), Loyda Rodriguez (known as "Dulce Maria" or "Karen Abigail") and Raquel Par (known as "Kimberli Azucena") are still missing. To date, the US adoptive parents have not come forward voluntarily.

A reward is now offered for information on these three girls. If you have any information on these children, please call (502) 2413-8888 EXT 2226 or The Survivor's Foundation at (502) 2230-4222 / 2251-9931 / 2232-7967 or asobrevivientes@yahoo.es

Helping Adoptive Parents Understand the Role of Families of Origin: From the Viewpoint of Another Mother Who Lost her Child to Adoption

~by Suz Bednarz

How could I, me, a mother who lost a child to adoption in 1986, possibly help adoptive parents understand the role of families of origin?

Didn’t my role end the minute my child was taken from me and given to them?

Harsh question but until a few years back that is what I was lead to believe. Clearly, I struggled with this blog topic. The more I thought about it the more I struggled. I then began to think not about the topic but about why I was struggling with it.

I have come to one very painful conclusion.

The reason I feel I cannot help adoptive parents understand the role of the family of origin is because I have been made to feel, most of my daughters life, I had no role. Correction. I had one role and one purpose and that was to provide a baby to an infertile couple. In that context, I was not a family of origin (in fact I never even heard that word 20 years ago), I wasn’t even acknowledged as a mother -- I was an incubator. I, me, the cute curvy redhead honor student, president of student government, did not exist. I was dehumanized. I had no voice. I did not matter. She mattered. Her adoptive parents mattered. My parents mattered. The Catholic Church mattered. My family’s reputation mattered. The agency and the fee they would fetch for the sale of my child mattered.

I did not.

I had no role outside of supplier to the demand. It should be no surprise that I struggle now to find that voice and as a result define my role.

To understand this and why I use what could potentially be viewed as harsh words, one must understand and reflect upon adoption as it occurred in 1986. Not only did I lose my daughter twenty-two years ago but I lost her to a known baby broker (and by known I say the fact was known to others but not to me) against my will. While my daughter was born years past the Baby Scoop Era (BSE), my experience was not unlike that of many of my BSE sisters.

I was sent away to a maternity home. I was not provided with any legal representation. I was not told my rights. I was alone, abandoned, intimidated and coerced into surrendering my child. My parents signed a promissory note (obligating them to pay the agency for any services they rendered to me prior to surrender). When I told the agency a few weeks prior to my daughters birth that I wanted to keep her, I was reminded of the promissory note and informed that if I did not give them my child I, and my parents, would be sued. I was reminded how I was young, without a place to live and a job, and that my child was better off without me. I was reminded of the pain I would cause the family that was anxiously awaiting my daughter.

My role? Produce a child for someone else, be quiet about it and go away.

As I matured and educated myself (and underwent extensive therapy for PTSD), I began to realize I did have value to my child – incredible value in fact. I realized the value of the mother – child bond. I spoke to adoptees and learned the importance of genetic mirroring, medical history and more.

I realized that while I made an infertile couple extremely happy, I had also caused damage to my child and myself. Whereas I once viewed myself as nothing more than a breeder, I began to realize my value. No longer was my role to service an adoptive parent. My role now was to be my child’s mother - something I should have done many years prior. My role was to find her, to assure her she was always wanted and to welcome her with open arms into our family – should she want to be there. My role was to stand up for myself, for her and mothers and children like us. My role is to be there for my child and to never ever allow myself to be intimidated into leaving her again – even if it is she that is doing the intimidating. My role is to do whatever I can to ease the pain of my daughter’s primal wound, a wound I caused, however unknowingly.

In contemplating the blog topic at hand along with my own experience, I feel as though it is not my job or my “role” to help adoptive parents understand the role of the family of origin. That task should be undertaken by the agency, the adoptive parents, and society as a whole.

More importantly, there should be no question as to the role of the family of origin. If a prospective or current adoptive parent questions the value or role of the family of origin, I would have to question if they should even be adopting. You are not adopting a doll. A child is not a blank slate. The child comes from somewhere, was born to someone.

The child HAS a mother and a family before you even adopt them. Respect the family of origin and you respect the child. Refuse to acknowledge the family of origin? Why bother adopting? The child will likely never feel completely connected to you for you are only acknowledging a part of them and not their entire being.

I don’t mean to sound harsh but my role is to be the best mother I can to my child – even in light of present circumstances – years after the fact. My role is not to make the lives of adoptive parents easier or better.

I already did that.

Helping Adoptive Parents Understand the Role of Families of Origin: From the Viewpoint of a Mother who lost a child to adoption

~ by Mirah Riben

The United Nations has determined that the difference between a good and bad life for a child is a mother with a sense of empowerment.

Adopting a child today is far different than it was a generation or two ago when it was felt best to keep the entire process secretive.

Adopting today requires accepting the reality that the child you have adopted has two sets of parents. It means being able to deal with your child's feelings of rejection and abandonment, not just expecting him or her to accept that he was "chosen" and is "special" for having been adopted, which can lead to feelings of indebtedness and gratitude.

Adopting today may mean on-going contact with the family of the child you are raising. Adoptions today either start out open or may become open when a mother or father initiates a search or they are searched for. This will undoubtedly mean a bumpy ride as your child's family of origin will likely be very different from yours and have different styles of communicating and different cultural values, even if they are American.

Your child's family are your child's family not your friends. True open adoption welcomes and embraces an ongoing relationship between the child and his family, not between the two sets of parents. The tightrope you walk, not an envious one, is that even your most well-meaning friendship could appear to be solicitous. Well-meaning comments like "I understand" can be taken very badly from someone who knows you have not walked a mile in their shoes.

Unlike the popular portrayal of adoption by the media and movies such as the purely fictional Juno, adoption is not a win-win. It is a win-lose. The family of origin has lost a child. Many mothers do not think of adoption as a gift or a sacrifice. For them it is a loss and nothing else. No matter how much the "decision" may appear to have been their "choice" it was a choice made as a last resort, quite likely as your choice to adopt was also made only after other methods of parenting were unattainable for many of you.

One way to show your respect is to always refer to them as the mother, father, grandparents etc of the child you are raising, as in their hearts that is their reality. They neither need nor want any prefix. They are not "first" mothers, "original", "birth" mothers, or "tummy mommies". They are simply your child's mother and father. Children are remarkable at not being confused as to who their "mom(s)" and "dad(s)" are!

If you are caring and loving parents you need not fear the old adage that blood is thicker. They will be psychologically bonded to those who care for their needs on a daily basis, even as their natural family members may play important roles in their lives as well. The psychological bond may be tested and strained, especially in teen years, but if it is a strong bond, it will withstand that strain.

The bond with your child is strengthened by the respect you show for their family members, as children, once they've taken a science class, are keenly aware that they share genes with these people and even the slightest look or disparaging remark on your part will strike them very deeply as an attack on them and add to their fear of not having been wanted by their family of origins and possibly not being wanted by you.

The best way to keep smooth relations with them is to keep all promises of openness, or even seek more. The most contentions adoptions are those in which promises were made and not kept. If you are having difficulties, seek a professional mediator.

Often, mothers in open adoptions will be the ones to back off visitation, leaving adoptive parents confused and disappointed. There could be many pragmatic reasons for this such as: distance or new obligations - school, job, new boyfriend, husband or child. Often, however, it is because watching others do what they are unable to, is too painful.

Brenda Romanchik of Adoption Insight reports (CUB ALL email list 3/25/06 with permission), "[B]irthmoms in open adoptions actually experience more grief symptoms than less. But they also grieve in a much more healthy way than our predecessors. We don't bottle it up and shove it under the rug to deal with at reunion. The contact we have forces us to confront our loss. We don't do open adoption because it hurts less; we do it because it is what is best for our kids."

Adoption involves a great deal of loss and hurt. Your child is suffering from that loss as are the members of her family. While an adoptee as he grows may at time be angry at one set of parents and then another, you will, rightly or wrongly, often be seen as the big bad meany who tore his that family apart. No explanation of his family's financial situation or their age will make any sense to a child, or quite frankly to a broken hearted mother. The less you try to defend your position, the better. The less you try to show gratitude the better, because you are grateful for their loss when all one ever needs to is sorry for another's loss.

Adoption is a difficult path. It is said that the truth will set you free, but is also painful. The best thing you can do is to help her accept the reality of her life situation with all of its thorns and all of its joys. We all know that children learn what they live. Let them learn honesty, openness, respect, and grit from you.

Resources:

Marcy Axness, Painful Lessons, Loving Bonds: The Heart of Open Adoption

Jim Gritter, Lifegivers: Framing the Birthparent Experience in Open Adoption

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Open Adoption & Family Services of Oregon and Washington's groundbreaking 2002-2003 client survey project, "Emotional Intelligence in Children of Open Adoption" found the following:

* 80 percent of adoptive parents and their child's mothers reported ongoing visits between the mother and child at least once a year seven to eighteen years after placement.

* As the amount of contact (through visits, phone calls and letters) between mothers [or fathers] and adoptive families increases, so does overall adoption satisfaction as reported by all triad members.

* Ninety-one percent of adoptive parents and their child's mothers reported high levels of healthy collaboration.

* Ninety-four percent of the adopted children are at or above national averages for emotional intelligence. Fifty-three percent of these children are considered highly above average.

* Children who perceive strong levels of collaboration between their adoptive parents and birthparents score higher on emotional intelligence tests.