Voices of the Victims of Focus on Children Utah's Samoa Scam

PEAR is giving to voice to the victims of FOC Utah: below is the first statement, from Elizabeth Muenzler, Adoptive Mother of a trafficked child.

Many thanks for your invitation to write a statement on your blog concerning the recent Focus on Children case. We are the parents of one of the children involved and after having been vilified in some circles for appearing and making a statement at the sentencing hearing, it’s nice to actually be “asked” to comment on this case and our disappointment with the outcome.

We were one of the few families who advocated for jail time in this case. For me, jail time was a no-brainer. After reading the indictment two years ago, there was no way I thought that they weren’t going to jail for a very long time. And yes, I know that they aren’t “hardened criminals,” ready to attack people on the streets. And, I realize they have many children of their own. And that they done many good things too, through their adoption work. But, does that really “justify” them not going to jail? I consider myself a good person. I have children. I’ve done good things in my life. But if I went out and robbed a bank tomorrow, I bet I would go to jail. And rightly so.

My faith in the Justice System in this country has been greatly reduced by this case. I hope the tax payers don’t spend the $10 fine per count all in one place. The defendants probably spent more on their lunch that day than they had to pay to get out of court. Unfortunately, more than anything in this process, I have learned that the Justice System isn’t for “justice.” It’s for “resolution.” And sometimes…the bad guys do win.

However, regardless of the spineless outcome, we must go on and continue to fight. It’s now time for organizations like this one, to spearhead a cry loud and clear that changes need to be made. And soon. No other child or family on either side of the ocean deserves what they got in this case. And things like the definition of “an orphan”, or the definition of “abandonment,” which could have easily been defined with a good dose of common sense and a handy Webster’s Dictionary, should never have been fodder for defense attorneys to “make their case.” (Defense attorneys, who, by the way, mentioned during the sentencing that their defendant had “suffered the most” in this case.)

Count us in to begin to work with you, side-be-side, until all of those in the adoption world who think they can continue to hurt innocent children and families, realize we are watching. We will change whatever needs to be changed to ensure that no one ever has to go through what our family has gone through ever again.

As for our family, we move forward now and not backward. We’ve been in contact with our daughter’s birthparents are working on establishing that relationship. We will continue to make sure that they are a part of her life and that she knows who they are. Once she is an adult, we will support any decision she makes in terms of her relationship with them.

My statements at the hearing last month were full of the anger, hurt and betrayal that our family has felt throughout this tragedy. Some criticized me for it. It’s hard for people on the outside looking in to know what it’s like. But saying our comments then, and outlets like this blog, have helped healed us. It gave our daughter a voice in this process. And gave us a chance to someday show her that we did everything we could to help bring them to justice.

Thank you for this opportunity and for everything you do to help clean up the adoption world. We look forward to joining you on this journey very soon.

Elizabeth Muenzler

The Un-Angry Adoptee and Adoption Guilt

~ By Barbara J McArtney

I was relinquished at birth to a local agency and adopted at 6 weeks of age. I was told by my Parents that my birth Parents "gave me up" because they were unmarried college students. My Parents adopted following the death of their second born son and simultaneous loss of my Mother's fertility. I am also a Mother of seven including two internationally adopted children with some special needs. When I was a child, I always thought I would adopt someday.

Being adopted was not especially traumatic for me though I think I sensed I was somehow 'different' in some indefinable way. I also had the uncanny knack as a child of being able to recognize an unseen quality in others that signaled to me that they too were adopted. As I grow older and observe the issues in my own adopted children I recognize more of the impact of adoption upon myself however subtle.

I experienced the typical hurtful comments as a child from others such as "How sad that you don't have REAL Parents" and "They can't love you like a REAL child". These comments made me angry as much as sad as I didn't know how to make them understand that these WERE my REAL Parents. My Parents loved me completely and just as much as my biologically born brother. I didn't doubt that then or now.

When the time was ripe, I tossed "You're not even my REAL Parents" at them just to turn the knife a little and sadly, it did hurt them just as I intended as a snotty, rebellious teen. Such comments roll off my back with my own kids who tried it once or twice. I informed them that I was very absolutely their Mother forever, like it or not, and felt free to punish them as such. Having missed the mark, they haven't tried it since.

I've wondered about my biological roots: Who did I look like? Who did I act like? Would they have kept me if they had been older? But I can honestly say I didn't brood about it. Though I had my given birth name and a city of origin, I never searched beyond signing up with a registry. It has always been something "I will get to when I have time". And I'm 51 now!! Am I avoiding it? I have had my Parents blessing, even encouragement to do so since I become an adult. Sometimes I worry it might be a bad idea given my internationally adopted kids may not have the option. We are the "adopted people" in the family - our own little sub-group. We even say so of our abandoned dog we acquired. We share this identity which makes it comfortable and normal.

I watched the experience of others who relinquished children for adoption and the emotions they felt and the aftermath of it. I considered the pain my Mother in particular probably felt. Was she pressured? I don't know if she regrets it. I don't know if she wants to meet me. Even if she does, she may not be trying much harder than I, since she has not signed up with the state registry. She may be dead by now. Am I wrong not to try harder? Would I be forcing myself into the life of a now elderly person who may view that portion of her life as history she would prefer to forget? Would I be giving her a wonderful gift to tell her it all turned out all right for me? Or would that be rubbing salt in the wound? Part of me feels I should try before it is too late. I owe it to both of us. The other part……doesn't seem to get around to it.

My Father died last month. We were very close and he was especially close to my two youngest and adopted children. Ironically, he was always uncomfortable about my adoption and that bothered me. He viewed it as a very private and highly sensitive matter- a source of shame? Both he and my Mother always seemed to think that I spoke too freely and too often of adoption with my kids. My youngest is mildly handicapped and my Dad's single minded devotion got him to accomplish things no one thought were possible. His death is a huge loss for my one son especially. Does he have another Grandpa out there? Am I wrong to deny my son that opportunity? What wounds might it open for a man in his 70s? What wounds might it heal? Is it selfish and shallow to consider looking for another Grandpa now when his "real" Grandfather is gone? In 1956, a young man wouldn't/couldn't raise a baby on his own. If my Mother and her family decided to "put the baby up for adoption" that would have been that. How does he feel 51 years later? Is it respecting their initial choice to sever this relationship for me to search? Would this just be opening Pandora's Box I honestly don't know.

I've been informed by some I'm in denial about how I feel about my adoption. Apparently, I'm deeply wounded whether I know it or not. I disagree and resent being told that. I wouldn't tell another adoptee that their adoption shouldn't be a big deal for them or they are not in genuine pain over it. Every situation is different. Is there a primal wound in me? I doubt it's possible for a child to be separated from her Mother without psychological consequences. But I don't personally find that wound to be devastating. I was fortunate to have landed in such a great life given my initial loss. Not everyone is so lucky.

There is a wide variation in the adoptive experience. Being adopted at 6 weeks from an institution is not the same as being adopted at age 10 after having lived with Your First Family for a long time. Such circumstances bring a whole range of painful issues that can interfere with bonding and attachment and the adjustment of Parents and child. This sort of adoption can be devastating and leave a child traumatized and angry.

I don't view adoption from the perspective of what is right or fair. Life isn't fair. To suffer trauma following birth whether it is separation from Parents via adoption or months in an incubator or being sick in a hospital for months as a child or living through the death of one or more parents or loved ones is not a singular event. It is human history. Loss is part of life and no one gets through unscathed. Early loss is tragic for a child but it happens. The longer the loss continues, the more damage and hurt. Our job as adults is to help our children grieve, heal and accept. The job of the child is to cope and move into the life they have, not the one they might have had. Hopefully, their life is a good one with good Parents.

Adoption is definitely a positive aspect of a largely negative event. I personally acknowledge but don't dwell on the loss sustained by my birth family. I speak to my children of the sadness that must have been there for their birth families, a difficult choice they had to make because of their unfortunate circumstances.

I obviously don't speak for those families. I know I offend some by using the term "Birth Family". A part of me resists the new preference that they be respected by the use of language that calls them simply "Parents" or "First Parents" or "Original Parents". I think it creates confusion to say "Parents" for both biological and adoptive Parents except in contexts where it is obvious which is intended. I additionally think it is demanding a status equal to adoptive Parents who do the parenting. I just can't call them my "First Family", because in my personal experience, they were never that. I mean no disrespect in this denial. I don't mean to be insensitive. I just don't feel like it's my truth. My Birthmother gave birth and left me. My Birth Father gave sperm and left her. I stayed for 6 weeks in an infant home until my Adoptive Parents came and have been there through thick and thin since. I feel phony and like I'm caving into pressure to be politically correct to call them my "First Family". For others, it may be totall a perfect description. But I feel the circumstances must dictate the use of the adjective describing what sort of Parent one is. From my perspective, being a Parent is Parenting a child. Giving birth after 9 months without the act of parenting is being a Birth Parent. Had they raised me for a while it would be different.

There are some who would argue that adoption is an alien and unnatural act that should not exist at all. That any Mother who gives birth is entitled to be called "Mother". In some cultures adoption is deemed incomprehensible as the biological bond is considered so primal and absolute that nothing can ever sever it. But that isn't my culture or my truth. Some say adoption is merely a legal fiction. But I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that it is no fiction. My Parents ARE MY PARENTS and always will be.

Is it fair, I can "move on" so easily, when perhaps my Birth Family can not? As adults at the time our relationship was severed, their wound may have been far greater than mine. But I am not responsible for what happened. I am simply the result. On my own behalf, I do not mourn. And on their behalf, I will not. I am grateful for my life and their choice and have both respect and compassion for their loss--- but I don't feel it's mine.

Adoption is all about losses and it is important that Adoptive Families educate themselves about the other side of the process. Respect, compassion and acknowledgement of the gravity of the loss of a child are essential. It isn't all teddy bears and hugs for everyone. With adoption, someone out there is without their child even if they made that choice voluntarily. Having lost a child to illness, I feel there is no greater loss. Many Adoptive Parents have themselves come to adoption following the painful loss of fertility, pregnancies and children. We are biologically programmed to love, protect and nurture our children at least until they reach adulthood. Any interruption of that process is unbearably painful regardless of the reason. And it is probably fair to say that very, very few of those who relinquish children do so because they WANT to. Most probably feel they have little choice. But part of adoption, ultimately, part of ALL losses, is moving on past them and adjusting to what is. Using language that enhances their role in adoption doesn't change their painful reality. I wonder if viewing oneself as a Parent rather than a Birth Parent makes the loss even more poignant. I don't know.

I think we owe it to all concerned to acknowledge Birth Parents with respect and sensitivity. But I am uncomfortable elevating them to a role they haven't played in my life or in the lives of most adoptees out of political correctness. I won't pretend to mourn the loss of Parents I don't know or love. I won't pretend they are my Parents by virtue of "blood". I can't pretend my adoption wasn't a wonderful thing for me even if it caused pain for another. We don't hold back in the celebration of the birth or adoption of a child because there was a prior loss of a child or pregnancy. It is still positive.

Adoptive Parents are immensely fortunate to adopt. It is an amazing and joyous experience for them. Acknowledging the loss of another Parent need not diminish their joy. In my opinion, they are perfectly entitled to celebrate this wonderful creation of a family without any sense of guilt. And so too are adoptees, without apology and without regret if that is the way they feel.

Helping Adoptive Parents Understand the Role of Families of Origin: From the Viewpoint of Another Mother Who Lost her Child to Adoption

~by Suz Bednarz

How could I, me, a mother who lost a child to adoption in 1986, possibly help adoptive parents understand the role of families of origin?

Didn’t my role end the minute my child was taken from me and given to them?

Harsh question but until a few years back that is what I was lead to believe. Clearly, I struggled with this blog topic. The more I thought about it the more I struggled. I then began to think not about the topic but about why I was struggling with it.

I have come to one very painful conclusion.

The reason I feel I cannot help adoptive parents understand the role of the family of origin is because I have been made to feel, most of my daughters life, I had no role. Correction. I had one role and one purpose and that was to provide a baby to an infertile couple. In that context, I was not a family of origin (in fact I never even heard that word 20 years ago), I wasn’t even acknowledged as a mother -- I was an incubator. I, me, the cute curvy redhead honor student, president of student government, did not exist. I was dehumanized. I had no voice. I did not matter. She mattered. Her adoptive parents mattered. My parents mattered. The Catholic Church mattered. My family’s reputation mattered. The agency and the fee they would fetch for the sale of my child mattered.

I did not.

I had no role outside of supplier to the demand. It should be no surprise that I struggle now to find that voice and as a result define my role.

To understand this and why I use what could potentially be viewed as harsh words, one must understand and reflect upon adoption as it occurred in 1986. Not only did I lose my daughter twenty-two years ago but I lost her to a known baby broker (and by known I say the fact was known to others but not to me) against my will. While my daughter was born years past the Baby Scoop Era (BSE), my experience was not unlike that of many of my BSE sisters.

I was sent away to a maternity home. I was not provided with any legal representation. I was not told my rights. I was alone, abandoned, intimidated and coerced into surrendering my child. My parents signed a promissory note (obligating them to pay the agency for any services they rendered to me prior to surrender). When I told the agency a few weeks prior to my daughters birth that I wanted to keep her, I was reminded of the promissory note and informed that if I did not give them my child I, and my parents, would be sued. I was reminded how I was young, without a place to live and a job, and that my child was better off without me. I was reminded of the pain I would cause the family that was anxiously awaiting my daughter.

My role? Produce a child for someone else, be quiet about it and go away.

As I matured and educated myself (and underwent extensive therapy for PTSD), I began to realize I did have value to my child – incredible value in fact. I realized the value of the mother – child bond. I spoke to adoptees and learned the importance of genetic mirroring, medical history and more.

I realized that while I made an infertile couple extremely happy, I had also caused damage to my child and myself. Whereas I once viewed myself as nothing more than a breeder, I began to realize my value. No longer was my role to service an adoptive parent. My role now was to be my child’s mother - something I should have done many years prior. My role was to find her, to assure her she was always wanted and to welcome her with open arms into our family – should she want to be there. My role was to stand up for myself, for her and mothers and children like us. My role is to be there for my child and to never ever allow myself to be intimidated into leaving her again – even if it is she that is doing the intimidating. My role is to do whatever I can to ease the pain of my daughter’s primal wound, a wound I caused, however unknowingly.

In contemplating the blog topic at hand along with my own experience, I feel as though it is not my job or my “role” to help adoptive parents understand the role of the family of origin. That task should be undertaken by the agency, the adoptive parents, and society as a whole.

More importantly, there should be no question as to the role of the family of origin. If a prospective or current adoptive parent questions the value or role of the family of origin, I would have to question if they should even be adopting. You are not adopting a doll. A child is not a blank slate. The child comes from somewhere, was born to someone.

The child HAS a mother and a family before you even adopt them. Respect the family of origin and you respect the child. Refuse to acknowledge the family of origin? Why bother adopting? The child will likely never feel completely connected to you for you are only acknowledging a part of them and not their entire being.

I don’t mean to sound harsh but my role is to be the best mother I can to my child – even in light of present circumstances – years after the fact. My role is not to make the lives of adoptive parents easier or better.

I already did that.

Helping Adoptive Parents Understand the Role of Families of Origin: From the Viewpoint of a Mother who lost a child to adoption

~ by Mirah Riben

The United Nations has determined that the difference between a good and bad life for a child is a mother with a sense of empowerment.

Adopting a child today is far different than it was a generation or two ago when it was felt best to keep the entire process secretive.

Adopting today requires accepting the reality that the child you have adopted has two sets of parents. It means being able to deal with your child's feelings of rejection and abandonment, not just expecting him or her to accept that he was "chosen" and is "special" for having been adopted, which can lead to feelings of indebtedness and gratitude.

Adopting today may mean on-going contact with the family of the child you are raising. Adoptions today either start out open or may become open when a mother or father initiates a search or they are searched for. This will undoubtedly mean a bumpy ride as your child's family of origin will likely be very different from yours and have different styles of communicating and different cultural values, even if they are American.

Your child's family are your child's family not your friends. True open adoption welcomes and embraces an ongoing relationship between the child and his family, not between the two sets of parents. The tightrope you walk, not an envious one, is that even your most well-meaning friendship could appear to be solicitous. Well-meaning comments like "I understand" can be taken very badly from someone who knows you have not walked a mile in their shoes.

Unlike the popular portrayal of adoption by the media and movies such as the purely fictional Juno, adoption is not a win-win. It is a win-lose. The family of origin has lost a child. Many mothers do not think of adoption as a gift or a sacrifice. For them it is a loss and nothing else. No matter how much the "decision" may appear to have been their "choice" it was a choice made as a last resort, quite likely as your choice to adopt was also made only after other methods of parenting were unattainable for many of you.

One way to show your respect is to always refer to them as the mother, father, grandparents etc of the child you are raising, as in their hearts that is their reality. They neither need nor want any prefix. They are not "first" mothers, "original", "birth" mothers, or "tummy mommies". They are simply your child's mother and father. Children are remarkable at not being confused as to who their "mom(s)" and "dad(s)" are!

If you are caring and loving parents you need not fear the old adage that blood is thicker. They will be psychologically bonded to those who care for their needs on a daily basis, even as their natural family members may play important roles in their lives as well. The psychological bond may be tested and strained, especially in teen years, but if it is a strong bond, it will withstand that strain.

The bond with your child is strengthened by the respect you show for their family members, as children, once they've taken a science class, are keenly aware that they share genes with these people and even the slightest look or disparaging remark on your part will strike them very deeply as an attack on them and add to their fear of not having been wanted by their family of origins and possibly not being wanted by you.

The best way to keep smooth relations with them is to keep all promises of openness, or even seek more. The most contentions adoptions are those in which promises were made and not kept. If you are having difficulties, seek a professional mediator.

Often, mothers in open adoptions will be the ones to back off visitation, leaving adoptive parents confused and disappointed. There could be many pragmatic reasons for this such as: distance or new obligations - school, job, new boyfriend, husband or child. Often, however, it is because watching others do what they are unable to, is too painful.

Brenda Romanchik of Adoption Insight reports (CUB ALL email list 3/25/06 with permission), "[B]irthmoms in open adoptions actually experience more grief symptoms than less. But they also grieve in a much more healthy way than our predecessors. We don't bottle it up and shove it under the rug to deal with at reunion. The contact we have forces us to confront our loss. We don't do open adoption because it hurts less; we do it because it is what is best for our kids."

Adoption involves a great deal of loss and hurt. Your child is suffering from that loss as are the members of her family. While an adoptee as he grows may at time be angry at one set of parents and then another, you will, rightly or wrongly, often be seen as the big bad meany who tore his that family apart. No explanation of his family's financial situation or their age will make any sense to a child, or quite frankly to a broken hearted mother. The less you try to defend your position, the better. The less you try to show gratitude the better, because you are grateful for their loss when all one ever needs to is sorry for another's loss.

Adoption is a difficult path. It is said that the truth will set you free, but is also painful. The best thing you can do is to help her accept the reality of her life situation with all of its thorns and all of its joys. We all know that children learn what they live. Let them learn honesty, openness, respect, and grit from you.

Resources:

Marcy Axness, Painful Lessons, Loving Bonds: The Heart of Open Adoption

Jim Gritter, Lifegivers: Framing the Birthparent Experience in Open Adoption

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Open Adoption & Family Services of Oregon and Washington's groundbreaking 2002-2003 client survey project, "Emotional Intelligence in Children of Open Adoption" found the following:

* 80 percent of adoptive parents and their child's mothers reported ongoing visits between the mother and child at least once a year seven to eighteen years after placement.

* As the amount of contact (through visits, phone calls and letters) between mothers [or fathers] and adoptive families increases, so does overall adoption satisfaction as reported by all triad members.

* Ninety-one percent of adoptive parents and their child's mothers reported high levels of healthy collaboration.

* Ninety-four percent of the adopted children are at or above national averages for emotional intelligence. Fifty-three percent of these children are considered highly above average.

* Children who perceive strong levels of collaboration between their adoptive parents and birthparents score higher on emotional intelligence tests.